I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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