there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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