someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
