the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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