I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
