god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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