Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
