I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
