can u get pink eye on your cock?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
