We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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