walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dignity is for republicans.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
