definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
