Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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