i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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