When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
