I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
