some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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