There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize