They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
