Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
