I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
