my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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