two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
