Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize