well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
