So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
