i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
