dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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