your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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