I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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