see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
