remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
