I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
