Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
