I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
