I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Im part way to drunk.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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