If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
