his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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