I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
