3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize