I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
