what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
