I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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