Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
