I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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