Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
