Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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