Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
