i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
