If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
