When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
