the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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