i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
