I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
