I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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