tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize