i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize