i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
