Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
