So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
