You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize