went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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