he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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