Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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