I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
