Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
