You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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