The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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