All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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