Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
