Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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