just tell him i said nine months
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize