I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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