Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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